I think...

I think I'm going to start making some nerdcore rap. I certaintly have plenty of material.

the times they are a'changin'

Well, then. Some interesting turns in my life have taken place.

I had a really good weekend with Tracey last week, and by the end I was pleasantly exhausted. I didn't have to work that weekend, and my car's windshield had been successfully replaced, so I was finally, completely open schedule-wise. It was a good time to relax, and despite constantly moving around and walking in the sun, that's exactly what we did, and it was a good time. I even got to camp out for the first time in my life, despite the fact that it was in Tracey's backyard, haha.
We stayed up pretty late just talking, playing a fun new game that makes for some interesting conversations, and then somewhere in the midst of all of that, we fell asleep.

Since then even more interesting events occurred. I went up to Binghamton to take my sister to orientation (she's an incoming freshman) and I met up with a whole bunch of people. Julia, my boss Rick, Molly, and Regina were a few of the familiar smiling faces that met me there. I ended up sleeping through most of the day since I didn't have much to do, and the 3 hour drive at 5AM was starting to to creep up on me. Later on I met up with Regina and we went to her house on Chestnut. She made some food, I watched some TV, we went on an ice cream run, and then we watched one of my more favorite Mystery Science Theater episodes that i brought with me. I soon fell asleep.

And interestingly enough, I've been talking to Ashley again. Sure, it's through facebook messages, but it's still pretty cool. When she first messaged me, I thought it was a different person. I don't really know what i was expecting, but it wasn't that, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. All of a sudden I really enjoy speaking with her, and that kinda makes me happy. I'm thinking about even sitting down for a coffee or something with her to catch up on things, but I figure it's too much too soon, and it would look a bit eager :-/

Either way, some crazy things are happening that I didn't expect, although I think I can handle it. In some ways, I'm enjoying it. :-)

a review of days past.

Well, madness started occurring Friday the 13th of this month. It started off as I was on my way over to Rockland county to meet up with Tracey for some hangouts and a party. When I was driving down a hill in my neighborhood, I looked to my right to notice some screaming children, then suddenly...

*BLAM* *CRASH*

My windshield had been hit by a rock and shattered in the lower right corner. A powder of glass particles exploded over the dash and onto the seat.
I, amazingly enough, didn't panic. I slowed down, put my emergencies on, and backed up. I saw that all the kids had run inside their house, and I pulled into their driveway. The parents (or who I assumed were the parents) came outside and looked worried. They knew their kids had done something stupid, but they weren't around to watch. The father was a skinny dark man with a strong german accent, and in his broken, stuttering, terrified english, told me he would replace the windshield himself. I almost felt bad, seeing a grown man like that. I was somewhat upset, but not too much about the windshield. I knew it could be replaced. My family keeps an impeccable insurance record, we have good credit, and I don't have a mark on my driving record. (knock on glass)

So I call up my parents, they meet me there, and I was surprised to see my dad wasn't flipping the hell out. I was somewhat shaken by the thought that something bad could have happened, and i just had some glass sprayed at me (which i was actually worried about accidentally inhaling, but now see that was a dumb idea) but overall I wasn't concerned for my health that much. I was mostly upset at the thought that I had been planning to go over to rockland since the beginning of the week, and now i couldn't drive anywhere.

Afterwards, we drove back home, and my parents felt bad about what just happened, so they volunteered to drive me to Tracey's house. I gratefully accepted their offer.

So I meet up with Tracey at her house, and it's good to see her. I'd been having such crap luck and I hadn't really been hanging out with anyone, so it was good to see things turn around for once. She drives me out to eat, and then we head over to Marisa's for the little get-together party. I enjoy myself a bunch, and i almost force myself to, because i don't really party too much, i don't hang out as late, and i don't get great chances to hang out with tracey and her friends often. Things died out quickly, seeing as many of the guests party hopped and Tracey was passing out. I was glad that I at least had the hours before all that to enjoy. That night, however, I ended up feeling a bit lonely, confused, and almost disappointed, but for bad reasons, i realized. I saw that I was just living life by escaping situation after situation, resting for a bit and having fun until I realized I didn't know what i wanted or I didn't know what to do.

The next morning, we woke up early, and tracey and friends dropped me off at work. Later that night I went to Liz's belated birthday party. It was a generally small crowd, something i was really surprised about considering how likable Liz is. I ended up talking on the phone with a certain someone for hours in the beginning of the party, so I missed out on the massive drinking party going on upstairs. Eventually one particularly drunk kid with long hair and probably in his late twenties walked up to me and said: "Dude, you've been on the phone for hours. I hope you're alright, because you have such a sad face on, dude. Hang up the phone, and enjoy yourself." To this day, I have no idea who he was. But even with that obstacle, he still was looking out for me. Drunk or not, it restored my faith in people. As for the phone conversation, I wasn't trying to look sad, or get any attention, but i guess i couldn't help it. it was a troubling topic, but inevitable. I was loose and comfortable enough to talk about how i felt coldly, without bias, without drama. I'm happy to believe there was little BS'ing going on.

I hung around til really late at that party, hoping I could spend some time with just Liz, since I can't see her as often and i miss the hell out of her, but I found that I wasn't the only one who felt that way. I left at around 4am, walking home, using the oncoming dawn as a flashlight.

Sunday, I was bummed as all hell. I was supposed to meet with some very very important friends, and without a car (windshield still broken on the car I drive and I'm not insured to drive the other), I couldn't go anywhere. I stayed home the whole day, just doing mindless stuff on my computer.

So, I've got a lot of thinking to do.

this is gonna be a big, but entertaining post

Wow. A lot has happened since i last posted anything, so I'll break it down into parts. I think that'll be nice.

Primero, we have Friday, July 6th.
I went to Tracey's Shakespeare show over in Rockland county. I picked her up from her house, then drove over to the RCC campus, where the show was located. I said hello to familiar faces and tried to be as fun as I could be (since I knew I was once again that one creepy guy on the side that not too many people knew). The show got delayed for about 45 minutes by a ridiculous Jurassic Park-esque flash rain/hail storm.
The show was great, and afterwards I took Tracey and Marissa to a Wendy's, and then to a gas station so Marissa could run in and stock up on 40's and Smirnoff's. We brought those to the party house which was huge and empty, which always makes for great times. The party population was 99.9% girls, 0.1 % guys, approximately. I was the 0.1%. So we play Kings, and that was fun, I was able to loosen up and getting people to laugh, and after 3 girls I didn't know at all had to make out with me for the game, and Marissa made out with me just to show them how to make out with someone, I was feeling a little red in the face.
Afterwards, Tracey and I went for a walk around the area, opening ourselves up to each other. I felt very odd, because i was rather tipsy after 2 40's, and she was sobering up quickly, so I had a feeling that I just spoke and acted like an idiot (I tried to lie down in someones lawn, and on the street). We headed back to the house, played "never have I ever" with a few other girls, then went to bed, or rather, couch.
At this point, I was almost sleepwalking, or sleep-talking, I suppose. I was trying as hard as i possibly could to talk to Tracey, because at this point, we were talking about some really important stuff I had been meaning to talk about for a long, long time.
Well, we got about 2 hours of sleep, and I left at around 8am for home. I get a phone call from my new boss at the limo company and he wanted me to come in earlier that day. (this was my first day). I get home, and leave 15 minutes later for work. My boss throws me onto a job right away (no training or anything), and I begin to have the worst work day i have ever had. (the story would be hours long to type, but it involves driving down to the NY boat dock with a broken phone and little knowledge of that area or company policy).

Anyway, let's move on to more fun. That night was Shayna's little get-together for her birthday. It started off a little awkward, since most of us, her party, were at her house, and she wasn't yet. Eventually, she showed up and we moved to the big empty field behind her house. We started a fire, and just drank and talked and joked around for hours. It was amazing. Eventually Liz realized she drank a bit too much, and I took care of her for the rest of the party. It was kinda cute. I drove her home, and I went home, and I had a good night's sleep.

Then, last night, (Sunday) the following happened from work:
(taken from my away message that night)

4:45 - Left from office to JFK
5:55 - Arrived at JFK
6:05 - Intended arrival time.
--> flight was delayed, then diverted to boston
1:30 A.M. - flight arrived, picked up passengers
2:55 A.M. - Dropped off passengers in Buchanan
3:14 A.M. - Went back to office to drop off limo, and fill out paperwork in a dark and unoccupied office.
3:37 A.M. - finished typing this away message.

SUMMARY:
I worked for about 10 hours
I waited in JFK for 6 and a half hours
This was my second day of work.

HOLY BALLS.

So that all sucked.

Anyway, i'm excited about getting my new mobo tomorrow. I can't wait to actually do things on my computer again.

happy 4th!

Well, this was the most uneventful 4th of July as of yet, but even so, I was still okay with it.
It mainly consisted of minimal house cleaning, eating a hearty dinner with the family, having some kitchen-set-s'more-maker fun, and then going out to see Transformers.

Oh, Transformers. I had this feeling the movie was created when the director and writers were at a frat party reminiscing about how kickass cartoons used to be, while chugging a ceremonial Keystone Light. But even with its lame dialog and frustrating technical explanation BS, I still enjoyed it. It was what I expected: a modernized, highly produced eye candy flick set to a soundtrack provided by forgettable modern rock bands and Z100 radio. But man, did Optimus Prime look cool.

Anyway, this Thursday is looking pretty uneventful. I'll try to motivate myself to do something, whether it be excercising or writing some music or whatever. I'm still pretty excited for the weekend, seeing as i haven't had a good, fun party experience in a while. Can't wait.

party last night

Last night I went over to Rockland to go to Tracey's prom-themed birthday party. I actually had a good time. I've always been in a bit of a shell around her friends, and for a bunch of different reasons. First of all, I've always had the bad habit of thinking that people, when they first meet me, don't really like me. This is something i've been getting better with, however. Secondly, my self-defense is my sense of humor, and I am somewhat intimidated by people that i cannot make laugh. Such is the case with most of Tracey's closest friends.

However, I've become a little bit closer with these people. I think a big help was the presence of some of her cast mates. Oh Lordy, am I familiar with the sense of humor of a theater kid. This time, it came as quite the blessing. I was able to steal some laughs and joke around with these people, and i really got to like them. Now and then I became the center of attention, like when I was describing the subtle differences between Argentine spanish and popular central american spanish.
sexy.

Later that night, I helped clean up. I did this partly because I wanted to be nice, and partly because I was up for spending some time with Tracey.

We talked 'til two in the morning, and we played our usual game of taking turns telling each other secrets. Although it seems like we're becoming more honest with each other, I still feel that on the bottom line, we communicate by just dancing around them. Either way, things are getting better, and new Matt is thriving.

Step two: "Give me the chance, and I will make you very happy. Abuse me, and you are not worth my friendship."

RIP desktop

And it's official, my desktop is gone. BIOS won't even boot up and i bet it's my own damn fault.

I'm tired of moping.
Matt 2.0 starts now.

independant, honest, confident matt.

game plan:
-during the day, i'll bike
-i'll go out as many times as i can, keeping my budget in check
-i can only struggle so much to make people happy, but eventually i have to just move on.
-i will watch every word that i say.
-i am through with acting childish, and should take things a little more seriously.
-eventually i'll find the motivation to finish what i start.


Step one:
"I am awesome, abandon me and you are missing out."

hmph. that was weird.

song lyrics

some cameras can add a few pounds,
but my mind adds a little bit more
and i can honestly say i'm a bit dissapointed
since i'm half the man i was before.

i've had dreams where i've seen the people i'd loved
and seen them leave me all the same
and meanwhile while i'm sulking like a bitch
i've just got myself to blame

*~ chorus ~*
Well listen to me baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with the truth, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
*~ ~*

at least this vodka can't hide anything from me
i can see through its pretty glass and pen
but it looks like i'll never have enough of this joy tonight
'cause all the liquor stores close at ten

so i'll just sit back and watch all these pretty girls
as they find out how pretty they are
watch as they twist and turn and stretch and twirl
until they tear themselves apart

*~ chorus ~*
Well listen to me baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with the truth, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will

Well kiss me now baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with your lips, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
*~ ~*

jeez

computer skills? I can't even fix my own damn computer.
musical skills? I can't write one damn song beginning to end.
social skills? Hi, my name is Matt, i live in my room all day and i don't know where everyone is.
self-esteem? It's making the Hindenburg look like a Disney cruise.


Seriously, what the hell is going? I'm starting to feel more and more like this summer will be nothing but miserable for me. I have no way of getting money, and I'm feeling like crap. On top of that is the paranoia that i'm just gaining weight and becoming less and less attractive.

I really just need someone to come up to me and say "Matt, I know you've tried all this self-help crap, but seriously, shape the fuck up. I'm here for you, I care about you a helluva lot, but you gotta get out of this misery bull, it isn't' pretty."

I'm still waiting for the days that'll balance out these shitty ones.

crashing down

Suddenly, everything goes wrong.

I come back to my computer sitting with a blank screen and a solid hard drive access light.This means no good. Then i restart and get a weird cmos error.

After alot of terrifying crap, i was able to recover one of my hard drives. The other one seems to be dead. Which sucks alot. It had my vista operating system, all of my shows and most of my valuable install files. The most i can try to do is see if it works on another computer here, and maybe it's just my motherboard. WHICH WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE.

I don't have the money to buy new computer parts, let alone enough parts to make a new computer. This sucks.


Some weird stuff keeps happening to me now. I got some weird phone calls, my laptop also breaks down, and i'm just in an awful mood because everything's completely out of my control.

I thought things were going so well. I went over to rockland a few days ago to see Tracey, and I hadn't felt that well in a long time. Now I'm here and I feel even more useless, and I feel like Veronica hates my guts now, despite how she denies it.

This weekend is supposed to be busy for me. This Saturday, I plan to meet up with people in the city to see UCB, then Sunday is Tracey's party, then next Friday I plan to see Tracey's show, then go to the cast party afterwards, then the next day is Shayna's party, and then is Liz's birthday. intense.

I didn't think a summer of unemployment would be this active, but now that i lost a hard drive, i feel like half the man i used to be.

hmm

forget that drunken post. Not worth it.


I had a dream. I think it was last night's.

I was at the tree-swing in front of my house.

It was the middle of the night, but it was illuminated in a pale blue by the full moon.

I was smoking a cigarette, but the smoke was thick and milky.
I looked up to the moon, smoked and smoked, and it felt like all my organs disappeared. Like the only thing in my body was just more nooks and crannies for the smoke to sneak in and hide.

I looked up, and although people were once around me, I looked back to see that no one was around.

I closed my eyes...

...and that was all.

oh dear.

I am too drunk to write tonight.
Tomorrow morning I will tell you what happend on this day and night.

It was surreal and incredible. I will tell you tomorrow.

still nothing happening

There's still a load of nothing happening. Veronica drove me to pick up a job application today from the board of education. Aaron apparently already got a job to do custodial work at the high school, so I'm already feeling more behind than usual.

I fooled around with my guitar all day, and I still can't come up with any music. I always end up just watching videos of bands I want to be like. I JUST WANT TO BE IN A BAND! For some reason, I have this extreme desire to be in a band where I can just flip out and go crazy... kinda like the lead singer in the band Sambomaster. I'm just not motivated or inspired. I still can't sit down and write a script for my cartoon, which saddens me greatly. I'm just so afraid of it not being funny or of it looking really amateur. *sigh*

Anyway, I need to find some motivation to do anything soon, or I'll end up merging with my bed. Anyone who wants to just play music with me, let me know.

oops

I realize I haven't written in a very long time. I've actually been up til five recently, but most of the time I've been out. Last night I went to Angela's new apartment. It's intense to see something like that. It was an amazing looking apartment, up in Carmel. She's a big girl now, and I feel both proud of her, and scared of my own future. Either way, it was really good seeing her, and as we teased and insulted each other through the entire of Casino Royale, I realized that I missed her a lot. Now, she's not too far away. I felt better.

I'm going to the high school tomorrow to pick up an application to work as a tech person over the summer. I'm sure it's just another job rejection waiting to happen. I just wish I could get a summer job I would actually enjoy. But of course, I won't.

The next big thing I'm looking forward to is seeing Tracey this week. It was kind of rough having seen each other every day for months and then, suddenly, not. I miss her like crazy, and sometimes, I get jealous of all the fun she's having without me. It's childish, I know, and I get a little crazy because I'm nosy and want to know what's going on with her all the time, but that's out of place and I'd just be a bother. Plus, I'm afraid it'll be awkward, because I never know what her friends think of me, and I have a horrible feeling they think I'm evil or something now. This doesn't make the situation easier, but it'll be worth it to jump those hoops if I can spend some time with her.

Well, it's hard to sound interesting when you're not, so I'll stop talking before I hate myself off the internet. Hopefully, I'll be able to make something of myself soon.

nice

mario party 8 came out today. That's probably going to own my life for the next few weeks. Can't decide if I want it for myself though... hmm...

I played quite a lot of it today with Stephan and Paul & Kevin Green. It was good times.

It's a good thing that sort of stuff is attractive.

Oh wait. It isn't.

sched

Today I was rejected from another job. This time it was to cover for a guy who ended up in the hospital. He delivered mail between schools within a school district. Looks like I'm not capable of doing that. Or I'm over-capable. Either way, I still don't have a job.

I hung out with Aaron tonight, and it was pretty rockin'. He picked me up and we wandered around for a while, stopping at Barnes and Noble, A&P, and grabbing a milkshake with Jane at the diner. We ended up playing guitar and making music in the parking lot of Downing park. It reminded me of good times, when I really didn't have a worry at all... and I had a job.

Anyway, I'm hoping to have some good times in the near future. I need to figure out what to get my sister for her birthday this friday. She's turning 18, which is intense.

Well, good night, you guys.

cartoon #2

cartoon #1

I thought I'd start posting my web cartoon here. These are all ones I've made in class. And no, I don't actually draw like that for real.

a good night

Today I had lots of visits from good people. Ivan and Steve Salcedo made their way over to my house, which was awesome, because I missed the hell out of them. They're good, funny kids.

I got to hang out with Aaron today, and that kicked ass. I missed him like Saturday Night Live misses Will Ferrel. We watched a movie at Jane's house, where an army of friends joined. The movie was the illusionist, which I thought was wonderful considering the fact that I <3 magic and mystery.

I still need to see so many people I haven't seen yet. Shayna and I have been playing a lot of phone tag and I'm probably never going to hang out with Angela :-/. I plan to go up to Boston so I can see Andy Kelly again. Maybe I'll hitch a ride with Stephan.

Another big ambition: improv around here. I used to do it all the time when Emack and Bolio's was still up and around. Now I have to struggle to find a decent place to perform at, and I'm desperate to do some good long-form.

This summer's been ridiculously nostalgic so far, and it's hitting me out of left field. All I know is I want to see faces and friends from the past again. I feel like it'd be really fulfilling for some reason. Maybe I'm watching High Fidelity too much...

On a positive note, I lost another 2 pounds. I thought that was cool. I'm also probably gonna head to the gym on Tuesday with Aaron. Hopefully I can get my sweet GUNS back. Maybe my biceps, too. Silly police.

Anyway, goodnight!

cool dream

Aaron: Hi.
me: hii
Aaron: So...
Aaron: I'm still single... and your love life isn't exactly a Disney movie.....
Aaron: And I think we both need to just throw away our inhibition and go wild on each other.
me: justified

This reminds me of the dream I had last night. I had a dream that I was having dinner with every ex-girlfriend I've ever had. Only, I was going from table to table in this fancy restaurant. It was actually a really good dream. I don't remember too much, but I remember that towards the end I was sitting with Ashley and we were talking about our lives, but it was cool because it felt like we never went out at all. We were just joking around like we used to and that was all. I actually feel like that could happen nowadays, and It'd make me feel pretty good.

I was talking with Jess C. before that, about how we were locker buddies, and then Tracey ran up behind me and jumped onto me telling me we were up next to perform on the stage. I flipped her upside-down and told her I'd be right there, after I ordered a coffee. I then put her back, we laughed and she skipped off to get her guitar.

I know I met every one of them, but I could only remember a few parts... you know how dreams go.

Oh yeah, I remember helping Michelle feed her baby (not mine, don't worry), and she looked great. Tracey and I played an awesome song, which of course I could never re-create in real life.

I've never really held a grudge for too long. Give me a day, and then I'll act like nothing ever happened. Unless, of course, I really get messed up*. Then it might take a month or two. But I'll eventually just want to be friends, and I can forget all the drama. I have a habit of trying to keep my friends, and I feel like the people who help me learn about life (like girlfriends) shouldn't be any different. So for all you ex-girlfriends of mine out there, drop me a message. I'd like to chat.

I just realized I sound like a total man-whore. Let it be known that...well... I don't think I am. :-p


*edited because what I originally said was horribly different from what I meant

a good song

Sometimes, I just look into a mirror and imagine I have never seen that face before, as if I were looking at a stranger through a window. I think up my first impressions of that face, what he's interested in, what his personality is like, and it ends up with me imagining what I would look like in 20 years. I think it's something other people should try. It's even more amazing when you try it with your close friends and family. Just try looking at them as if they were a complete stranger.

I remember explaining this to Tracey and she gave me a look like I invented insanity. I can understand how strange it might be, but I always thought it could change someone's perspective on life big-time.

On another note, I spent the day as I usually do. It started off at 12:00 pm and I bummed around for a bit, playing guitar and drawing in flash. I drew my family into watching heroes and I realized that I needed to download a song from the first episode: Rogue Wave's "Eyes". You can probably find it at myspace.com/roguewave or something, but it can change you. It changed me.

Ended up hanging out with Veronica again tonight, which was good because she's a fun friend and my night didn't end up as dreadful as it could have been. I've also been meaning to hang out with Angela since I got home. We had a great time when she joined myself and Ben and Lauren during a big Westchester visit, and since then I've been excited at the possibility of hanging out with her. She's a big girl now, with a job and an apartment, and it once again blows my mind how fast life moves on. I think I'm trying to grasp the memories of youth while I'm still living them, soaking in every little moment until it fills me up and I'm crying out journal entries.

I think I want to start taking my camera with me wherever I go, but I bet most people would either look at me funny or tell me I was under arrest. Or maybe I'm just overreacting.

Aaron showed me something amazing today. www.myspace.com/doctorsteel . It blew my mind, and for some reason, it made me feel really good. I have such a hope that there is still some kind of wonder or magic in this world that is unexplained by science, and this artist, doctor steel, makes it feel that way.

I'm still the little boy in the back of the classroom staring out the window. I feel like sometime, somewhere, on some other universe, I'm a superhero. I have so many dreams about saving people and doing extraordinary things, I feel like it's some kind of destiny. I suppose I feel this way so strongly now because as the eldest son and all that, I grew up as a middle-aged man through my childhood. I was quiet, introverted, responsible, and mature, and now, I don't want to be. I suppose you can call it a "reverse Britney Spears." All that's left is to marry K-Fed.

Anyway, here I am at 4:02 AM and I'm most likely going to watch an episode of Naruto before I head out for sleep. There's a sort-of improv thing happening in the city and I'm probably going to head down to that with Stephan. Until then, goodnight, you beautiful people.

pirates

Well then. The third Pirates of the Caribbean movie was extremely long. Also, I was under the impression that they originally signed for a five-parter instead of a trilogy. Perhaps some crack was smoked.

Anyway, after I sloshed myself out of the theater at 2:30am and drove back home I sat down and realized that the internet can be very lonely at this time of night. Webmasters aren't updating their sites, no one's on any buddy lists, and it's too late to work on any projects since you could very well pass out in the middle of it, or hate yourself because the sun is rising.

I'm also supposed to go to work with my mom today. Which she gets up for in about 3 hours.

Looking back, the few people who dressed up for the movie, be they scantily clad high schoolers or extremely scantily clad high schoolers, did a relatively good job on costuming. I ran into Jess, Teren, Crash, Judy and associated crew in front of Barnes and Noble before the movie, and they were proud to be wearing their handmade shirts each gel-penned with pirates quotes. As harmless as it was, it made me feel really old. Most of them were older than myself and some have even graduated college. At this point, I realized I was having a quasi-midlife crisis. Am I too old to think those shirts were childish? Will I ever be so pumped about a movie that I'd dress up for the premiere again?

I promptly slapped myself for forgetting the crappy comic-turned-movies and new Anime episodes I feel like a five-year-old about.

I feel that some people might think that I'm oblivious or distracted because I have a bad attention problem. This is partly true. But, it's not really because of a chemical imbalance or strong impatience. I think it's because I think way too much. I'm always in a chess game against the world around me and I have to stop myself from making a move I planned on making after a few turns went by.

See what I mean?

I think, therefore, I blog.

Hmm

You know what? I miss my friends.

The last few weeks of the semester, I barely got to hang out with people as much as I wanted to. I had so many plans in mind to do things with people, and they fell through. Many times, it was because I bitched out at the last minute.

Right now, I miss the hell out of Ben and Lauren. Recently, I found that Lauren felt the same way. What can I say about that? Well, I'm a bad friend. I have no sense of balance when it comes to priorities, and although I think I have a talent for multi-tasking, I have no talent deciding exactly what I should multi-task. I remember clearly making a vow that I should always keep my friends, my family, and my life above work and education, because in the end, that's all that really matters. Well, I messed up big time and stabbed myself in the back with a scheduling planner.

I miss Lauren. I miss Ben. I remember thinking that after they were together it was harder for me to see or hang out with them, but now I realize that I was just assuming that was the situation. They made it clear to me that they care about me (and way more than they probably should) and so I really needed to just man-up and ask what they were up to.

My college life is coming slowly to an end, and I will never forgive myself if I just let them become chapters in that book.

Now I'm off to go see Pirates, and I'll probably talk to them tomorrow.
Not probably. Definitely.

Friends are a difficult thing... it feels like that stupid scene at the end of Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio slips off the wreckage and drowns in the sea. Only for me, it's a dozen DiCaprio's on a dozen different seas, and I'm trying to make the movie a happy ending.

I love you guys.

Good job, again

Way to go, Matt. You ignored the anti-lazy alarm again and managed to bury it under your pillow so you could look all over for it in the morning.

For those of you who don't know, I'm a sleepwalker, so I'm just glad I didn't hide it in the forest outside or something.

Anyway, the big ambition for today is to help out a teacher from my high school who asks me for help with her computer problems. She just might be my big network connection to hook me up with a job at the school over the summer, and i DESPERATELY need a job. My father has no qualms about reminding me of this in place of saying hello when he gets home from work.

It's a big change. The last few weeks of the semester I was so stressed out from balancing my horrible courses and my two jobs and Pappys that I broke into a minor case of shingles. Luckily, though, Tracey was there to help me out a lot of the way, and I also took a well-placed break everywhere I needed it. Now I'm sitting on my ass playing my brother's poke-e-mans'. I live a glamorous life.

Summer Summer

I've been at home here in Westchester for about 5 days now. I've recently finished up my spring semester up at Binghamton University where I left as worried and confused as I was before finals.
I tell people about how I have this great plan to get a BS in computer engineering and an MBA in five years, but now with my recent grades - a C+, three B-'s, an A- and a "pass"- I'm beginning to think that I'm out of a chance.

So, like I always do, I distract myself with more and more "ideas." Only this time, they're more like personal projects, rather than long-term educational goals. The big one this time is writing my own online flash cartoon, which in my defense has been a goal of mine for a long time. But of course, I also want to write sketch scripts, write music for it, buy and play a bunch of games, and other stuff that keeps me from thinking about big-boy things.

Today I did an ass-load of nothing. I woke up to my alarm at ten (an anti-lazy alarm) and promptly drifted off again until 12. Great job, Matt.

I met up with Veronica and she drove us around while we talked, like we always do. We grabbed some coffee at Barnes and Noble, played on a playground at FDR, and grabbed some food at Applebee's. While we were there I got a phone call from Tracey, I didn't want to be the rude guy on the phone in the restaurant so I guiltily held it off 'til we left.

I'd been missing Tracey a lot, and have been feeling pretty guilty about not keeping up with her alot so far. It's only been a few days, and I've mostly been meeting up with home-friends I haven't seen in a while, so I got distracted. I called her back as soon as we left and it was nice hearing her. I still feel bad that I get back home around 1:30 am, too late to meet her online.

Anyway, I hereby dedicate this summer to figuring out what I want to do with my life, or at least figuring out how to handle the consequences if I know I'll end up doing something I don't want to do.

Blog Initiation

I'm most likely going to be using this little blog spot as a big ol' stream of consciousness.


I have a lot of ideas going on in my head at the same time, and hopefully something like this will drain them all out in single-file. Of course, they'll only be looked at by other people if they suspect they'd be in a particular blog.

readysetgo.