RIP desktop

And it's official, my desktop is gone. BIOS won't even boot up and i bet it's my own damn fault.

I'm tired of moping.
Matt 2.0 starts now.

independant, honest, confident matt.

game plan:
-during the day, i'll bike
-i'll go out as many times as i can, keeping my budget in check
-i can only struggle so much to make people happy, but eventually i have to just move on.
-i will watch every word that i say.
-i am through with acting childish, and should take things a little more seriously.
-eventually i'll find the motivation to finish what i start.


Step one:
"I am awesome, abandon me and you are missing out."

hmph. that was weird.

song lyrics

some cameras can add a few pounds,
but my mind adds a little bit more
and i can honestly say i'm a bit dissapointed
since i'm half the man i was before.

i've had dreams where i've seen the people i'd loved
and seen them leave me all the same
and meanwhile while i'm sulking like a bitch
i've just got myself to blame

*~ chorus ~*
Well listen to me baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with the truth, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
*~ ~*

at least this vodka can't hide anything from me
i can see through its pretty glass and pen
but it looks like i'll never have enough of this joy tonight
'cause all the liquor stores close at ten

so i'll just sit back and watch all these pretty girls
as they find out how pretty they are
watch as they twist and turn and stretch and twirl
until they tear themselves apart

*~ chorus ~*
Well listen to me baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with the truth, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will

Well kiss me now baby, 'cause no one else will
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
Be sure to hurt me with your lips, baby, i need it
cause no one else, no one else, no one else will
*~ ~*

jeez

computer skills? I can't even fix my own damn computer.
musical skills? I can't write one damn song beginning to end.
social skills? Hi, my name is Matt, i live in my room all day and i don't know where everyone is.
self-esteem? It's making the Hindenburg look like a Disney cruise.


Seriously, what the hell is going? I'm starting to feel more and more like this summer will be nothing but miserable for me. I have no way of getting money, and I'm feeling like crap. On top of that is the paranoia that i'm just gaining weight and becoming less and less attractive.

I really just need someone to come up to me and say "Matt, I know you've tried all this self-help crap, but seriously, shape the fuck up. I'm here for you, I care about you a helluva lot, but you gotta get out of this misery bull, it isn't' pretty."

I'm still waiting for the days that'll balance out these shitty ones.

crashing down

Suddenly, everything goes wrong.

I come back to my computer sitting with a blank screen and a solid hard drive access light.This means no good. Then i restart and get a weird cmos error.

After alot of terrifying crap, i was able to recover one of my hard drives. The other one seems to be dead. Which sucks alot. It had my vista operating system, all of my shows and most of my valuable install files. The most i can try to do is see if it works on another computer here, and maybe it's just my motherboard. WHICH WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE.

I don't have the money to buy new computer parts, let alone enough parts to make a new computer. This sucks.


Some weird stuff keeps happening to me now. I got some weird phone calls, my laptop also breaks down, and i'm just in an awful mood because everything's completely out of my control.

I thought things were going so well. I went over to rockland a few days ago to see Tracey, and I hadn't felt that well in a long time. Now I'm here and I feel even more useless, and I feel like Veronica hates my guts now, despite how she denies it.

This weekend is supposed to be busy for me. This Saturday, I plan to meet up with people in the city to see UCB, then Sunday is Tracey's party, then next Friday I plan to see Tracey's show, then go to the cast party afterwards, then the next day is Shayna's party, and then is Liz's birthday. intense.

I didn't think a summer of unemployment would be this active, but now that i lost a hard drive, i feel like half the man i used to be.

hmm

forget that drunken post. Not worth it.


I had a dream. I think it was last night's.

I was at the tree-swing in front of my house.

It was the middle of the night, but it was illuminated in a pale blue by the full moon.

I was smoking a cigarette, but the smoke was thick and milky.
I looked up to the moon, smoked and smoked, and it felt like all my organs disappeared. Like the only thing in my body was just more nooks and crannies for the smoke to sneak in and hide.

I looked up, and although people were once around me, I looked back to see that no one was around.

I closed my eyes...

...and that was all.

oh dear.

I am too drunk to write tonight.
Tomorrow morning I will tell you what happend on this day and night.

It was surreal and incredible. I will tell you tomorrow.

still nothing happening

There's still a load of nothing happening. Veronica drove me to pick up a job application today from the board of education. Aaron apparently already got a job to do custodial work at the high school, so I'm already feeling more behind than usual.

I fooled around with my guitar all day, and I still can't come up with any music. I always end up just watching videos of bands I want to be like. I JUST WANT TO BE IN A BAND! For some reason, I have this extreme desire to be in a band where I can just flip out and go crazy... kinda like the lead singer in the band Sambomaster. I'm just not motivated or inspired. I still can't sit down and write a script for my cartoon, which saddens me greatly. I'm just so afraid of it not being funny or of it looking really amateur. *sigh*

Anyway, I need to find some motivation to do anything soon, or I'll end up merging with my bed. Anyone who wants to just play music with me, let me know.

oops

I realize I haven't written in a very long time. I've actually been up til five recently, but most of the time I've been out. Last night I went to Angela's new apartment. It's intense to see something like that. It was an amazing looking apartment, up in Carmel. She's a big girl now, and I feel both proud of her, and scared of my own future. Either way, it was really good seeing her, and as we teased and insulted each other through the entire of Casino Royale, I realized that I missed her a lot. Now, she's not too far away. I felt better.

I'm going to the high school tomorrow to pick up an application to work as a tech person over the summer. I'm sure it's just another job rejection waiting to happen. I just wish I could get a summer job I would actually enjoy. But of course, I won't.

The next big thing I'm looking forward to is seeing Tracey this week. It was kind of rough having seen each other every day for months and then, suddenly, not. I miss her like crazy, and sometimes, I get jealous of all the fun she's having without me. It's childish, I know, and I get a little crazy because I'm nosy and want to know what's going on with her all the time, but that's out of place and I'd just be a bother. Plus, I'm afraid it'll be awkward, because I never know what her friends think of me, and I have a horrible feeling they think I'm evil or something now. This doesn't make the situation easier, but it'll be worth it to jump those hoops if I can spend some time with her.

Well, it's hard to sound interesting when you're not, so I'll stop talking before I hate myself off the internet. Hopefully, I'll be able to make something of myself soon.